Security Procedures
by Honeyfish
Summary: A cracky rewrite of chapter 116. Hanatarou exercises his acting skills. Byakuya is not amused.


_Nerbil here, with something silly I wrote in study hall because it sounded funny in my head. It's an alternate version of the bridge scene from chapter 116. Enjoy it while I work on chapter 7 of UnfinBis._

_PLZ NOTE: This is a crack fic, so no one's going to be completely in character._

_Bleach and all its characters © Tite Kubo_

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"Maybe… if we beg for our lives, he'll let us go…" Ganjyu suggested wryly as Byakuya approached Rukia's cell.

"What?" Hanatarou looked at him incredulously. "We can't just give up after we've come so far!"

"But we can't beat him, just the two of us! What do you want us to do?" Ganjyu asked.

Hanatarou thought for a moment. "I've got a plan. I'll distract him while you take Rukia and run!"

"Wait, Hana-" Ganjyu started to say, but the medic had already stepped out onto the bridge to meet Rukia's noble brother.

"Sorry sir, but I can't let you go any farther!" He said to the noble.

"Get out of the way." Byakuya said.

"No, you misunderstand sir." Hanatarou said. "There are some new security procedures that have been implemented as of today."

"What are you talking about?" Asked Byakuya coldly.

""Heh, well, everybody's so paranoid about the ryoka these days, so it was pretty much inevitable." Hanatarou laughed weakly. He couldn't turn around to see what Ganjyu was doing because that would seem too suspicious. Best to keep stalling, he decided.

Byakuya frowned, his patience already beginning to thin. "What do I have to do to make you get out of my way?"

"Well, first of all, please remove all weapons or dangerous objects on your person."

Byakuya looked at the medic with confusion. "You do not seriously expect me to remove my zanpaktō, do you? This is a waste of my time."

"Please sir!" Hanatarou said, a little louder than necessary. "We are doing this for your safety and the safety of others! Take off your shoes while you're at it."

"I command you to move!" Byakuya said, now quite irritated.

"Think about it, sir! What if one of the prisoners gets a hold of your weapon and uses it against you?" Hanatarou suggested.

"She's a 70-lb girl." Byakuya said. "I think I will be able to handle her if she attacks me."

"Uh…" Hanatarou was running out of ideas. He had to end this soon. "You never know! Why risk it?"

"I demand to talk to someone else!" Byakuya said angrily, reaching for the hilt of his zanpaktō.

"Do you have heart trouble sir? Recent surgery?" Asked Hanatarou.

"No! What does that have to do with visiting a prisoner?" Demanded the noble.

"ARE YOU PREGNANT, SIR?" Hanatarou asked loudly. This was actually a bit fun, even if he would most likely be punished for it later.

"This is ridiculous!" Cried Byakuya, exasperated. "I want to talk to someone else!"

"Sorry, I'm the only one here." Hanatarou said. "Everyone else is on a coffee break."

"I will cut you down if you do not move this instant!" Roared Byakuya.

The medic took a few steps backwards. "Ok, ok. But first, please sign these documents…" He unstrapped his medical pack and rummaged through it. "…stating that it is entirely your fault if the prisoner escapes, if injured, gets sick, or gets a hangnail. And then sign a second one saying it is also your fault if any of these things happen to anybody within a five-mile radius within the next 48 hours…" He feigned surprise. "Oh dear, it looks like I haven't got any copies left. Sorry sir, but you'll have to come back tomorrow. We'll surely have more copies then."

"I demand to talk to your superior!" Byakuya ordered. "Where is he?!"

"Coffee break." Hanatarou said simply.

"WHERE?" Byakuya yelled.

"Ugh." Hanatarou scoffed. "_I _don't know! I can't be expected to keep track of everybody's location 24/7!

Byakuya rubbed his temples. "This is completely pointless. I will be back tomorrow." He turned and went the opposite way, his white captain's haori billowing behind him.

Hanatarou waited a few minutes, making sure he was not coming back, silently congratulating himself on his acting. He had almost fooled himself.


End file.
